Day 38: If My Ass Could Talk, it would say "AAARRGG! Stop Excercising!"

So lately I've been on an exercise kick. Now in the past, this would have consisted of a 2 mile bike ride once a week, trying to modify my diet only to find myself hunched over a handmade milkshake, crying over my lack of commitment. However, my new exercise kick consists of riding 4 miles a day, cutting back on soda and ice cream. The cutting back on soda I don't mind, because it means more money in my pocket. Plus cran grape juice is starting to taste really yummy to me. The ice cream i can easily cut back on, because sometimes its an all mighty bitch waiting for it to go on sale.
Its all the biking that's killing me. the up the hill, down the hill, from Chicago Avenue to the library and back again. I try to rest, take days off, but then whenever i get hungry and eat something, i feel guilty for doing so without having exercised.
What suddenly motivated a person who appears content with their plushy appearance to excercise and dieting on top of a vegetarian lifestyle?
The feeling that in lesbo-land, I'm a leaper in terms of body type. when i go to parties and clubs, it seems like everyone is drawn to the skinny, long haired chicks who are ten times more flexible than me and can juke like circus strippers. I never can seem to find a dance partner because i'm taller and thicker in certain places.

god, if only there were a club for queers 5'8 and up. that would solve all of my problems. i could just buy a couple pairs of cute heels, sexy tops, and go meet the baby tree of my dreams.

realistically, i'm never going to be a size zero no matter how much i exercise and diet. but there is a part of me that wants to be more toned, muscular in my legs. I want to have my dancer's strength again, so that when i take ballet at smith or moho, i can keep up with all the more aerodynamic people in my class.
I also understand my body type isn't the only turn off. my ideas about things tend to be a major turn off to the average lesbian in Chicago. when they hear the "i'm going to college in the fall, and by the end of my journey i hope to have a phd. and a doctorate" sirens go off. immediately following is the "you should find somebody more like you! somebody who's an intellectual."
i have a lot of problems with this statement

• it assumes anybody who doesn't go to college can't be an intellectual. i mean, you don't need to go to college to read a book!
• it assumes college educated people are automatically attracted to those exactly like them. i can only imagine the fights that would ensue over something nerdy like Russian translations if i were to date a comparative lit major.
• it assumes that I'm such a snob that i wouldn't bother to waste my time with someone who has no educational experience beyond high school.. this is true if you subscribe to the "parties and bullshit" lifestyle.
  

it basically has so many connotations, that to elaborate on them in conversation may only further distance me from the objective, making a human connection. at times when i meet women, i wish they had bigger ambitions than to emulate heterosexual life. i wish the studs didn't want just money, drank, dro, and hoes. i wish they knew there is more to life than what BET or MTV advertises as the golden life. life can be just as satisfactory when people are making a conscious effort to make the world a better place, versus just one's own advancement in a world where the latter is relatively short.
i wish the women weren't what a textbook feminist may describe as a "female chauvinist." i wish they weren't freakin rainbow colored doormats who spend the great majority of their time perfecting their looks or placating the egos of their partners. i know i could never be the kind of person to call anybody "daddy!" i'd sooner laugh in that person's face at the request and say "you're shitting me right?! what qualifies you to be more dominant and higher up than me?" i wish they held themselves to higher standards than acting and behaving like video vixens. gosh, is class out of style? is it so hard to wear clothes where your ass crack and your belly button aren't showing? god if people wanted to see the split between two physical entities they can visit the great canyon, not look down and see someone's barely covered hind quarters!

I'm hoping that being a part of the five college consortium will open up the dating pool for me. yet at times i remain doubtful.